Originally published on September 20, 2017.
I have a neighbor who lets his dog poop on our front lawn and then strolls off without picking it up as if he has no idea his pooch left a smoldering pile of dung in my flower bed. It annoys me, but it’s nothing compared to the Mad Pooper..
The Mad Pooper is a lady jogger who’s been terrorizing a family in Colorado Springs by pooping on their front lawn. No joke. She jogs by, stops, pulls down her shorts and poops in their yard. The first time it happened, the kids were playing outside. They ran into the house screaming for their mom, “A lady is pooping in our yard!” For the record, I cannot begin to imagine how I would react if my kids ran into the house screaming about a lady pooping in our yard. I’d probably lock the doors and make everybody hide under the furniture to keep them safe from harm’s way, but according to news reports this (super) mom actually confronted the deuce in the act. She ran outside, caught the offender mid-poop with her shorts down around her ankles and shouted something like, “Are you really taking a poop right here in front of my kids,” to which the Mad Pooper replied, “Yeah. Sorry.”
There’s a sort of sheepishness that comes with an apology made mid-poop, which has to make you wonder, was it just an innocent poop emergency gone awry? After all, pro-longed running irritates the sphincters, often causing an urgent need to poop. Case in point: 1996 Boston Marathon. The great German long distance runner, Uta Pipig, persevered through the indignity of running with the runs to win her third consecutive Boston Marathon.
Image Credit: Houston Press
And yes, that is poop running down Uta’s legs. So it happens. I figure why not give the Mad Pooper the benefit of the doubt, right? Because people, normal people anyway, typically don’t poop in public. They just don’t.
The thing is, this Colorado Springs episode was not a one-time thing. Evidently the Mad Pooper strikes once or twice a week. And she’s been doing it for the last eight weeks. And she comes prepared… with toilet paper, which can only mean one thing. This is a case of criminal, serial, premeditated pooping. I’m not trained in forensic psychology, but if you ask me, it smells a little like revenge pooping. C’mon…when somebody makes a habit of pooping on your lawn, you have to ask yourself, what have I done to deserve this?
Anyway, smoldering dog poop in my flower beds doesn’t seem so bad anymore. Moral of the story: somebody always has it worse than you do.