10 Things I Don’t Want for Mothers’ Day

Originally published May 11, 2013.

Dear Christian and Jared,

Instead of telling you what I want for Mothers’ Day, I’m giving you a list of ten things I don’t want.

  1. I don’t want to make your beds.
  2. I don’t want to pick up your dirty clothes.
  3. I generally don’t want to clean up after you at all.
  4. I don’t want to request the same thing more than once and I don’t want said requests to be met with bad attitudes, rolling of eyes, or “that tone” of voice (and you know what I mean).
  5. I don’t want to be a nag (please review numbers 1 – 4 above).
  6. I don’t want you to go around acting like I’m the only mother who expects a text or phone call when you “get there safely,” so just do it and quit complaining or I’ll take away the car faster than you can blink and don’t argue with me.
  7. I don’t want you to replace my desktop wallpaper with creepy pictures of Carrot Top or people vomiting.
  8. I don’t want you to sneak up on me or startle me when I have a full bladder.
  9. I don’t want you to make choices that jeopardize your health and safety, or compromise your character and integrity.
  10. I don’t want you ever to forget:
  • to be kind to others (especially girls including me)
  • to tell the truth
  • to try your best
  • where you come from
  • I love you
  • I am your mother
  • my birthday

Finally, I don’t want you to feel guilty if you haven’t gotten me a card (it’s Saturday so all the good ones are probably gone anyway) or a fantastic present, but that it’s-the-thought-that-counts-business IS A COMPLETE LOAD OF CRAP so you might want to get rolling on a Mothers’ Day poem. After all I don’t want you to feel guilty on my special day.




March 10.

C and J Spring Break 2013

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