Originally published on April 2, 2015.

WARNING: The following post may be offensive to skinny women with flat butts. Proceed with caution.

FACT: Women with flat butts have lower IQs than women with fat butts.

Photo Credit: http://www.taprootfoundation.org/about-probono/blog/how-big-your-butt

Based on findings initially made in 2011 by researchers at Oxford University and recently confirmed by a study at the University of Pittsburgh, fat-bottomed girls do, in fact, make the rockin’ world go ’round.

Yes sir, we’re not just exceptional twerkers. We are intellectually superior to our skinny, flat-bottomed sisters. And we manufacture freaking genius babies to boot. Seriously, there is actual scientific evidence that children born to bootie-licious mothers turn out to be brainier than kids with skinny-legged, flat-bottomed moms (a.k.a the kind of moms we fat-bottomed moms love to hate even if we are smarter). Anyway, I am absolutely NOT making any of this up and here’s the bio-chemistry “behind” it.

During pregnancy, a woman’s fat cells mobilize in such a way as to provide nutrients to her developing baby. Nothing new, right? Well, it turns out the type of fat cells attached to a female’s thighs and buttocks contain large amounts of Omega 3 fatty acids and other lipids which are essential to the developing brain and nervous system. The bigger a mom’s butt, the more Omega 3 fatty acids and lipids she passes onto her baby. In addition, breast-fed babies continue to receive these brain-building nutrients after they are born so ladies, no need to fret over not fitting into your favorite pre-pregnancy jeans until after baby is weaned.

Just imagine my joyful surprise! For more than two decades I’ve been giving my husband, with his melon-sized brain and Asian genes, all the credit for producing two exceedingly brilliant sons when, in fact, I and my fat rump had a little something to do with it after all. (Note to Christian and Jared: You’re welcome for not losing the baby weight till you left for college.)

For your listening pleasure…