Poop In Beards. It’s Real.

Originally published June 2, 2015.

A while back I wrote about bros shaving their nether regions. If you haven’t read it, you can check it out here. In summary, guys should not be shaving south of the border. Period. They should, however, be shaving their faces and here’s why.

A bunch of brave dudes allowed the folks at Action News 7 in Albuquerque, New Mexico, to swab their chin curtains in order to identify the sort of stuff that lurks in beards. John Golobic, a Quest Diagnostics microbiologist, tested the samples and found – if you’re the wife or girlfriend of a guy with a beard, you’ll want to sit down for this – poop.

Okay, okay… so the good doctor didn’t find actual turds and dingleberries in beards, but he did find the types of bacteria that are indigenous to fecal matter. That’s right, fecal matter. As in poop. And toilets. And sewers. And bed linens in cheap motels.

According to Golobic, if your local city government discovered similar tainted samples in the water system, one of those water-boil advisories would be issued immediately and the system would be shut down for disinfection. Golobic also stated the results of the study indicate a degree of uncleanliness that is somewhat disturbing. “I’m not usually surprised, and I was surprised by this,” Golobic said regarding the findings. Really? Surprised? C’mon, man, you can’t be serious. Men’s beards are vile, dirty cesspools.

duck dynastyPerhaps we have the Duck Dynasty craze to thank for the recent surge in dudes sporting beards. Or Dustin Pedroia. Whatever or whoever is responsible, beards are “in.” And they’re also polarizing. You either love ’em or you hate ’em. The Robertsons love them. Hipsters love them. Lumberjacks love them. I hate them. Always have. And do you want to know why?

Beards. Are. Nasty. And if you’ve ever seen a bearded guy sneeze… or cough… or blow his nose… or eat a barbecue sandwich, you know it doesn’t take a Phd in microbiology to prove it.

All these years I thought I’d safeguarded my kids from catching dysentery and e.coli and flesh-eating bacteria. I banned swimming in the Chattahoochee River. I issued warnings about undercooked hamburgers. I shudder to think all along it was the those innocent pilgrimages to sit on Santa’s lap that exposed them to the greatest health risks of all. It’s a miracle they are alive and well.

I could never put my finger on the reason, but I always associated beards (except for Santa’s obviously) with a certain yuck-factor and now I know why. FACT: there is poop in beards.

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