Swimsuit Models Are Real People Too

Originally published on June 26, 2015.

This tweet from BuzzFeed.com caught my attention.

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So I clicked on the link and read the article and guess what I learned. (RELATED: We Tried On Victoria’s Secret Bathing Suits And This Is What Happened)

Unless you are already a Victoria’s Secret swimsuit model, when you put on a Victoria’s Secret swimsuit you probably will NOT magically look like a Victoria’s Secret swimsuit model.

Thanks for the newsflash, BuzzFeed staffers (insert sarcasm), but I already know nothing short of a miracle – let alone a swimsuit – is going to make me look like a Victoria’s Secret swimsuit model. Swimsuits are NOT magic and I get this because I have a brain. And a full-length mirror. And a penchant for Chic-Fil-A peach milkshakes.

Don’t misunderstand… I’m not some heinous beast, but I possess a body that bears the battle scars of two pregnancies and three decades of domesticity. Trust me. If I looked as good as Heidi Klum in a bikini, I wouldn’t be blogging in a 4 foot x 10 foot pantry-converted-to-an-office off my kitchen. I’D BE MODELING SWIMSUITS. Heck, if I looked half as good as Heidi Klum in a swimsuit, I’d run errands all day long flaunting nothing but a bikini and a smile.

Here’s the deal. I believe beauty comes in all shapes and sizes. I really do, but I’m sick and tired of whining harpies complaining about how they can’t relate to the unattainable image of beauty represented by Sports Illustrated Swimsuit models and Victoria’s Secret Angels because they’re not reeeeeal women with reeeeeal bodies and wah, waaah, waaaaaah. By the way, swimsuit models are real women with real problems and real crosses to bear. Remember Paulina Poriskova’s teeth?

Anyway, the reason why the folks who sell swimsuits for a living hire women who look like goddesses to model them is because it’s good business. FACT: gorgeous women with smoking hot bodies sell more swimsuits than real (i.e. not as gorgeous) women with real (i.e. not as hot) bodies. Again, I’m on board with the whole beauty-comes-in-all-shapes-and-sizes perspective, but seriously, ladies, are you more inclined to purchase a swimsuit that conveys the subliminal message you’ll look like this?

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Or like this?

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Screen Shot 2015-06-26 at 7.38.17 PMYeah. That’s what I thought.

So you spend $80 on a swimsuit and you don’t look like the chippy in the catalogue. Welcome to the club and… Just. Get. Over. It.

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