Dear Dance Diva,

I am a competitive ballroom dancer in two styles and have accumulated a nice collection of costumes. Several ladies in the studio where I take lessons have begun asking to borrow my dresses for showcases and competitions because they either are not ready to invest in a costume of their own or they can’t afford to buy one. I sympathize with these ladies because ballroom dresses are very expensive. On the other hand, because they are so expensive, I am uncomfortable lending them out or even renting them. I am grateful to have the means to buy dresses and to be honest it feels a little selfish to say no, but they are expensive and I take meticulous care of them – the kind of care I can’t guarantee someone borrowing one will take.

I tried explaining this to one woman recently who asked to borrow a dress. She promised to be very careful with the dress, but when I said I simply was not comfortable lending it to her, she soured and said I offended her by suggesting she would do harm to the dress. We weren’t really friends before, but we were friendly, only now she goes out of her way to ignore me. I feel like she’s probably told other women in the studio about our conversation and it’s made me feel uncomfortable.

Do you have advice for how to decline someone asking to borrow a costume without offending the asker?

Ballroom Fashionista

Dear Ballroom Fashionista,

It’s okay to sympathize with ladies who choose not to invest in their own dresses. It’s even okay for you to feel a bit selfish over not sharing yours with anyone who asks. However, regardless of your reasons, it is also completely reasonable for you to say no.  

For the record, there are actually businesses that do that… you know, rent ballroom dance dresses to people. A few that come immediately to mind are Ballroom Bliss, The Ballroom Exchange and Dance Dress Couture. Perhaps share this information the next time someone asks to borrow a dress. As far as the recent interaction you described in your email, my guess is this woman is more embarrassed than offended. And if she is talking about it to others in the studio, rather than allowing yourself to feel uncomfortable, consider it to be a benefit because chances are, people will stop asking to borrow your dresses once they hear her story.

Now let’s answer your question: “Do you have advice for how to decline someone asking to borrow a costume without offending the asker?”

The short answer is no. I cannot advise you on how to decline someone asking to borrow a costume without offending the asker because just about everything offends someone these days. I can, however, give you an example of how I would handle being in your shoes, keeping in mind there is no guarantee I won’t offend the other person involved in this imaginary scenario, but if I do, I promise to provide you with a clever comeback..

Jane Standard Dancer: Hi, Diva! I’m dancing in my first competition soon and I was wondering if I might borrow your red gown? You know, the one with the cool ostrich feather floats? It’s so beautiful!

Dance Diva: Congratulations! You must be so excited to be competing! Unfortunately I can’t lend you that dress.

Jane Standard Dancer: Oh gosh. I’m not ready to buy a dress yet.  I’m not sure how often I’ll be able to compete and they’re so expensive so I was hoping to borrow one. What about your pretty white and silver dress?

Dance Diva: Sorry I can’t lend you that one either, but I understand your dilemma. Why don’t you give my friend Sandy Buckholz a call? She rents dresses through her company, Ballroom Bliss. I’ll text you links to her website and Facebook page. I’m sure she can help you.

Jane Standard Dancer: Thanks, but I was really hoping to borrow one. Do you have one I can borrow?

Dance Diva: I’m sorry I don’t, but I’ll text you those links.

You’ll notice, I did not give Jane my reasons for not lending her a dress (although to be nice I gave her an alternative solution) because it’s none of her business. You are entitled to your reasons for saying no, whether they are reasonable or not, and you are under no obligation to explain yourself. Of course, you should always be kind and courteous, but remember you can only control what you do and how you do it. Keep in mind there are millions of things out of your control, including whether or not someone will be offended by something you do or say because trust me, they will… just like our friend, Jane Standard Dancer. 

Jane Standard Dancer: Gosh, DIva. You have so many dresses. I can’t believe you won’t let me borrow one. To be honest, I’m a little offended.

Dance Diva: My decision whether or not to lend you a dress is not a reflection of you and I certainly don’t mean to offend you,  but I guess that makes us even since I was offended by your asking in the first place.

I hope this helps.

Dance Diva

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